Taming a Tantrum
Taming a Tantrum.... with a Shift in Perception
The general belief is that we, as parents, can do something extraordinary, or use a magical phrase that will entice our toddler to immediately calm down and stop throwing their tantrum. How many articles have you clicked on that say something like “One word to end a tantrum,” or “Do this and you will never yell again.” (c’mon we all know you’ve clicked on them!)
The important thing parents need to know is that there is not just one thing that you can do or say that will end every tantrum. To expect that is unrealistic and puts pressure on you to find that “magic thing.” When you see a tantrum building, it’s good to at least try and ask those investigative questions like “what do you need,” or “how can I help you,” or “are you feeling upset that your milk spilled?” But, sometimes when those questions don’t get you anywhere, your toddler needs to work through it differently.
I always tell parents, “better out than in.” What does that mean? It means that I would rather see a toddler expressing their emotions on the outside, then keep them all on the inside. These tantrums can be emotionally triggering for parents, but what if we adopted a new perception of the meaning behind a tantrum?
If your toddler is throwing tantrums, it generally means they feel they have a safe place to do so. Also, tantrums are an important part of their developmental growth. The idea is to shift your thought from “How can I get him to stop throwing this tantrum,” to “I can stay present and let him express himself until he gets through this.” You could say something like, “Oh wow, I can see that you are upset about this, mommy will be right here while you are crying.” Meanwhile, you are staying present, or close until the tantrum passes.
Some tantrums may last a couple of minutes, some may last twenty minutes, but they will get through them. If your toddler starts to hurt themselves or others, then its important to intervene and put them in a safe place while saying, “I know you are upset, but I cannot let you hit me.”
Often times, when my three year old starts to push or hit during a tantrum, I will walk her to her room, and she will instantly walk back out. This is okay as long as she is not engaging in pushing or hitting me anymore.
Trust me, I know there are many more if’s, and’s, and but’s when it comes to tantrums. If you have more questions, please don’t hesitate to send me an email at Hibbardcounseling@gmail.com You can also follow me at @thetruemomlady on Instagram or The True Mom on Facebook for more tips, tools, and insights on kids and mental health.
Heather Hibbard, LPC
Director of Education