Resolving Marital Conflict
This quarantine life is not for the faint of heart. I feel like I’m getting to slow down, but I’m also busier than ever before. My husband and I are both working from home while trying to parent a preschooler and a baby. Some days have been okay, some have been great and full of making sweet memories, and some have just been straight up dumpster fires. Many times those 'dumpster fire' days can often lead to marital conflict.
Have you ever noticed you tend to argue about the same things? It’s not the exact same fight. It’s not always about who needs to do the dishes or take out the trash. It’s not always about whether or not clothes land in the actual hamper. It’s not always about leaving on time or how much someone spent at coffee shops last month. These examples here are really about preferences and personality differences. I’m sure there are so many more fights we could easily add to this list along these lines. It always seems like one person in the relationship is going to care more about the house chores, timeliness, or saving money than the other.
One of the best ways to approach this kind of repetitive marital conflict is to look at times when things go well. This positive approach can be really helpful, and less likely to cause more marital conflict. Looking at the good days gives us a natural opportunity to express appreciation and complement one another as we solve the problem. And who doesn’t like that?
My husband and I have only been married for five years, so we are still learning a lot about marriage and working together. We look at times when things went smoothly in our marriage. We use those times as a barometer for the other days. After things go poorly (and we typically have a fight some “passionate discussion”) we try to go back to a time when we fought fairly. We ask ourselves:
Why it was better at that time?
What did he do well and what did I do well?
What was different about that day?
Were we better prepared in some way?
What were our expectations like?
Did we just have more sleep?
Last year, we noticed our 'dumpster fire' days usually landed on Saturdays. We used this technique to problem-solve. We analyzed our good Saturdays, and we noticed our better days were when we started the day off with at least one goal for that day, with a loose plan for the rest of the day. Once we realized this, we were able to delve into the problem with less defensiveness. We learned I naturally wanted a relaxed Saturday to recover from a busy week, while my husband preferred to do something. Our perspectives on Saturdays were completely different. Our expectations for the day were complete opposites. Ever since then, we know to have a more successful Saturday, we need to discuss our goals and create a game plan for the weekend. John Gottman, a marriage guru, found 69% of problems are 'perpetual problems' - ones that will never be solved. However, that means 31% are solvable, and starting by analyzing the positive can be a really great way to tackle those! For that other 69 %, it really comes down to accepting the differences and finding something that works for both personalities. I will probably always be an introvert. I will probably always care more about the clutter in our house, but planning our Saturdays with an understanding of both of our needs has been helpful. We have been able to appreciate our differences. My husband has learned to slow down and sip coffee on a Saturday morning, and I have learned to enjoy getting out for a hike. And neither of us hates it!!
Ashley Jamison, Ph.D, LPC-S