Heart of a Working Mom

I always thought I was a career woman. I have drive, ambition, and a desire to make something of myself. I always figured having a child would add to my joy, but would never change my desires. I was wrong. Having my daughter has changed me in ways I probably don’t even realize at this moment, but one thing is for sure, my drive, ambition and desires have shifted. I am no longer motivated to work for promotions or name recognition. My motivation now comes in the form a tiny little face staring back at me, who at this moment is smiling while she sleeps. 

In another 2 weeks, I will put back on my high heels, curl my hair, and wear pencil skirts and neatly pressed blouses. I will grab my laptop and head into conference rooms, where I will discuss readmission rates, audit scores, and first quarter progress. I will be Clayr Simnacher, Unit Manager, but I will also be Mom. 

This dichotomy has been tough to swallow. On the one hand, I love my job. I love the people and I especially love my boss. However, on the other, my heart now belongs to a 10 pound human with blue eyes and blonde hair. My thoughts are constantly at odds. What if I miss the first time she talks? Or rolls over? What if I’m not there for some milestone moments during the day? My logical brain tells me it’s ok, but my emotional brain tells me it’s not. I am met with tears and yet a sense of relief for normalcy that comes with work.  

See- the heart of a working mom is complicated. For many no matter how you feel about your job, the idea of staying home and raising your children is out of reach whether it’s because of financial reasons, or being a single parent. So I would imagine for most we tell ourselves one-liners. “I could never be a stay at home.” “I would get bored at home,” or “I’m better because of work.” While some of it might be true, I would have to guess that for majority of us working moms the reality is we would rather be with our babies. There’s an inner tug of war that happens and in 2 weeks I will be thrown into the chaos of work and motherhood. 

I will go to work daily wondering if she is having a good day, wondering if they will pick her up when she cries, or sing her to sleep. She will never be too far from my mind. I will then learn this complicated, messy, imperfect dance. I will learn to balance motherhood and work. My heart will always want to be with her, to be the one to hold her, rock her, change her, or feed her. 

But there is one thing I can stand on. One truth that always prevails.  God will be right there. He will hold my tears that first day I drop her off, and those days my heart yearns to hold her while I’m on a conference call. He will be there when my baby is crying. He will hold her heart and protect her everyday. God will answer my prayers for wonderful teachers and educators to love and teach my child. God will be there every step of the way. She is His first. He was there from the beginning. He loved her before I knew she existed, and He will carry her through. 

So on that day when I hand over my heart to a stranger I will rest assured that God is faithful. He will be there every step of the way. I will rest in Him and I will watch the clock! I will look forward to 4:30pm when I can finally pick her up and hold her tight.  I will survive and she will too. We will both learn this messy dance and some day I will realize its not the end of the world.  Until then, I will hold my baby a little longer each time.  

So all you working mommas, we willgo to sleep with an extra prayer each night. We will wake up early in the morning, get our family ready and head out the door. We will hand over our pride and joy to a teacher waiting and we will put on a brave face. 

Just know you are not alone. Your tender heart is seen and is being held by a great God. So when I pass you in the halls at work, I will give you an understanding smile. I will know that dance you are on is complicated, its tiring, and some days it feels unfair. When your kid gets sick, I will understand and pick up the slack, because I know the work doesn’t stop. And on those days you need a hug or a ear to listen, I will be there . . .

Dancing right along side you. 

Xoxo, 

Clayr