A Daily Dose of Time Out
In a world turned upside down, we tend to refer to “life before” the Covid pandemic and “life after”. In the “before”, I held firmly to the idea that my children should see a mom who takes breaks every now and then. I prided myself on grabbing a book, plopping down on the couch, and declaring Mama “off the clock”. I could call a Target run without much thought. Maybe I grabbed a night away with my husband. Setting aside me-time felt like something I’d get to if I could fit it in. Though the need to unwind and regroup was undoubtedly present as a mother, I don’t think I grasped how truly vital it was to my mental health. Just me?
Fast forward to the spring of 2020 when we all found ourselves sheltering in place with little sets of eyes staring at us. All day. Every day. These eyes twinkled with the spontaneous family fun we instituted when we were fresh into at-home life. (Who’s up for a board game?) Then there were tears as school, friends, sports, and normal human interaction were taken away. There was glaring as our sweet ones realized we were it and they were just a tiny bit tired of seeing our faces morning, noon, and night. I may not be a betting gal, but I’d wager you experienced similar rides on the Covid Coaster. I could run the gamut of feelings in the span of an hour. I was grateful for my family’s health. I was terrified at every twist and turn of the news. I was exhausted from slinging meals upon meals. Being an unwilling passenger on the Covid Coaster, like everyone, left me mentally drained.
Initially, I sought refuge in my beloved reading chair. Whenever I found a free moment, I’d flee, book in hand, to the solace of my room. Reading was my escape from reality. To give myself credit, I was living through my first pandemic and experiencing more than a little shock. There are no manuals for such an occasion. (“Five Innovative Ways to Pass The Time While Watching The World Burn!”) I was firmly camped out in the survival tribe. Get up, make the meals, virtually school the children, cry alone in the basement, rinse, repeat. I took a mental escape where I could get it, but these moments didn’t quite cut it. I found myself one evening in a fancy bath. (Bath salts, candle, a book. Luxury!) As the tension in my muscles began to ease, my daughter rushed into the bathroom, pants around her ankles, and proceeded to have the most foul unloading of the bowels the world has ever seen. Fancy bath cancelled. My escapes here and there were contingent on the goings-on around me.
This, dear reader, is where you must hear me. A mental escape does not equal mental rest. For the people in the back! Mental escape is a response to our environment. Mental rest comes from a proactive practice. As weeks morphed into months and “Covid” became a regular in conversation, I wrestled with my mental needs. Instead of waking up to the demands of my household, I wanted a strategy that wouldn’t leave me feeling like I was merely fighting the tide of motherhood. I asked myself very honest questions. What activities or practices made me feel mentally-strong even if the rest of the day fell apart? What time of day was I at my best and most productive? We tend to give the most fresh parts of ourselves away before we’ve fully invested in our own needs. And often those fresh parts aren’t that fresh to begin with! I wanted to bring my best self to the table each day, not just in an era of Covid, but for years to come.
My blueprint for mental rest is unique to my combined needs, desires, and personal energy level. Being a morning person, I find it enjoyable (though not always easy) to start the day a couple hours earlier than everyone else in my home. Having time carved out specifically in the quiet to read and reflect allows my introverted brain to enter into the day on a charged battery. I’m someone who has a lot of physical energy to burn and if not exerted, said energy can translate into nervous, controlling behavior. My entire family benefits from the relaxed version of mom when I exercise during those early hours. I know the things I am, but also the things I am not. The later the day, the less of a go-getter I become. I don’t commit to household chores once my kids are in bed. At this point, my brain is happiest if allowed to go into “wind down mode”. I have a pretty strict window for my own bedtime. I operate best on more sleep and see a better version of myself when I stick to my routine. This recipe of “do’s and don’ts” has been formed merely from my observations of how my brain responds best in given situations. Sharing my strategy with my husband helps keep me accountable, too!
Your game plan for mental rest should be particular to you. You know what point of day is your strongest. The way you fill your cup will look different from your friend’s cup. You are probably aware of how much energy you bring to the table on any given day. These factors can add up to give you the mental rest you require each day. But don’t forget! In motherhood, we have seasons! Seasons with a new baby, young children or difficult times may not lend themselves to a specifically prescribed approach to mental rest. My wise husband likes to say, “You do what you can, not what you can’t”. Be kind to yourself. You, sister, deserve a time out.
Ashley Qualley is a Texan who currently finds herself residing in the Chicago area. Ashley is a mom to one train-enthusiast son and an artist daughter. Thanks to virtual school, Ashley has found some much-needed peace and quiet in her dog care business. Dogs don’t talk back.