Saying No
Saying No: The ‘How To’ of Boundary Setting
In our last post, we discussed tips on becoming more assertive at work. However, part of becoming more assertive is knowing when to say no and how to say no.
Saying ‘no’ can be very uncomfortable. Especially for your 9s! (if you are into the enneagram you know what I am talking about). However, it’s a skill we all need to work on. Many of us have experienced the email request to stay late at work or take on an additional project which results in late nights and early mornings. We have sat at our desks heated over the fact a meeting was scheduled during our lunch hour when we were going to surprise our kid for her birthday. However, instead of letting our boss know, we stew, we get disgruntled, and we begrudgingly take on the additional tasks. We do this because we are not equipped to say no! After all, isn’t this called being a team player?
The answer: No, not always. Sometimes it just means you have poor boundaries and poor communication skills. It’s a one-way ticket to becoming overwhelmed, burned out, and resentful.
So how can you say ‘no’ without coming across as rigid? Here are a few tips:
Get comfortable with the word ‘No’. Remember no is just simply a term. It means you are freeing yourself up for something else. No is just a yes to some other commitment. We suggest practicing saying no. Take a few minutes to look at yourself in the mirror at home, and say “no thank you,” “No, I’m is not interested,” “No today is not a good day to schedule a meeting.” Just getting more comfortable with the word no will allow you to be more confident when you need to use it.
Make sure you are saying no to the right things. There may be times at work where you cannot say no. There may be a deadline coming up, or a project that needs your expertise. However, there are ways to ensure you are implementing a good work-life balance. Try to negotiate – say something like “I know this deadline is important, I can stay until 6 pm tonight. I will need to leave at 6 pm because of a family obligation, but I look forward to working it with you during work hours tomorrow.” Negotiating will allow you some control, but also shows you are willing to meet in the middle.
You don’t have to use the word ‘No” to say “No,’ Here are a few phrases you can use that are polite and let others know you are declining.
“Thank you for valuing my expertise. I’m happy to provide some feedback, but right now I have a deadline for another project.”
“Thanks for including me in the meeting. I look forward to getting caught up; however, today I already had committed to another meeting at the same time.”
“I won’t be able to attend your meeting during lunch today, but please include me in the follow up”
Caution: many think in order to have good boundaries, you need to have rigid and firm boundaries/rules. This is not the case. Being apart of a community and a team means you must give sometimes even if it’s uncomfortable; however, you do not have to give to the point of burnout. Know your limits and know your priorities. Family commitments or your health can come first. It’s just knowing how to communicate those things when they arise. Saying no to the point of isolation is not healthy.