Lessons in Motherhood . . . What a Stay at Home Mom Taught Me
Have you ever had a moment when you figuratively stuck your foot in your mouth? Like you just say the first thing on your mind because you think its funny and then you realize you actually sounded like a jerk? Ya, that was me last weekend. I’ll get back to this story but first a little background.
Ever since becoming a mom I have realized my friendships have become increasing compartmentalized. You know – the “before marriage and kids” friends, “work” friends, “pick up where you left off haven’t seen you in years” friends, then there are the “mom” friends. Its funny because usually mom friends could be characteristically clumped into the same category. However, it doesn’t always happen like that. I am realizing more and more, depending on my circles, my mom friends can look vastly differently. The moms I have met through work and daycare are typically moms who work full time. We have all dealt with the daycare drop offs, maternity leave, work life balance, and juggling career ambitions with motherhood. However, the moms I met through church are typically stay at home moms. We can relate to the tantrums, the developmental milestones, and the balancing motherhood and marriage. However, I have come to realize that working moms and stay at home moms have 2 vastly different experiences and perspectives.
As a full time working mom, I will never know what its like to have kids vying for my attention 24/7. I don’t have to deal with the constant schedules and trying to provide daily entertainment for a highly energetic toddler. I don’t know what its like to see all the firsts or to hang out at the park at 10am on Tuesday. My experience has been different. I have had to place my 3 month old into the arms of strangers as I drove off to work an 8 hour day filled with conference calls and spreadsheets.
One thing I have noticed is when these 2 worlds (FTM and SAHM) collide there are unintentional offenses. I have been told by stay at home moms at church the “daycare kids are always the ones getting our kids sick.” Other comments consist of: “I couldn’t imagine letting strangers raise my kids” or “sacrificing for your family should mean you put them first not your career,” and I’ve had to politely bow out of the 10am coffee meetings, bible studies, and playdates because of work. Its been hard and some times lonely juggling the desire for friendship over the glaring differences of our lives.
As someone who is sensitive to these comments and scheduling conflicts, I am embarrassed to say I was on the other side of the offense this time. I was the one unintentionally offending. It hurt and it was out of character. So back to my story . . .
A stay at home mom was talking about her emotions about her daughter going off Kindergarten this fall. She was talking about the bittersweet feelings and struggling with letting go. For the first time in her daughter’s life, she would be going to full day school 5 days a week. Knowing those feelings, but also being 2 years down the road I ignorantly said “Oh just put your daughter in daycare then it wont be a big deal dropping her off 5 days weeks.” In my head it was funny and a way to help her not be sad. (Sometime I use humor or sarcasm to cope) However, hearing the words out loud made me cringe. I was embarrassed. I’ve been the one on the side. I know how it feels to feel alienated. Instead of being sensitive, I was dismissive. I did apologize, but the lesson I learned from my friend was priceless.
I learned in that moment, no matter what our differences are we were connected through the bond of motherhood. We want what is best for our kids. We want to raise amazing children. Some of us have to work, some of us don’t. Some of us choose public school, some of us don’t. Some us have already been through the tears of being apart during the day, and some of us delay it. But what is the same are those underlying feelings of wanting so much to bottle these moments and yet looking forward with anticipation for the future. My SAHM friend taught me to listen a little more and respond with sensitivity and grace. She taught me that I could offer a kind word without the sarcasm of a mom who has been there. I learned in that moment instead of seeing our differences, I needed to start looking for our similarities. I realized I should have kindly validated her feelings and let her know as a mom who does it weekly, it really does get better. I should have quieted my mouth and just given her hug.
Motherhood is tough enough. We don’t need to add more to the fire. So for those who have gotten this far . . . thanks. All I ask is that to any mom, stay at home, full time working, part time, or freelance etc be kind. Use your experience to encourage, educate, and equip another mom. Watch your words, and always apologize when you feel like you’ve been insensitive. We need each other more than we know.
Signed a very humbled mom,
Clayr
Thank you so much Clayr for writing and leading our group! We are so thankful for your humble and open heart~