"I don’t feel like celebrating…" coping with grief during the holidays…
Grief is an interesting thing. One minute you feel like you are able to breathe, and the next minute you can’t seem to catch a breath. It's almost like a bad dream you can't wake up from, and yet the world seems to keep going. Then the holidays hit and it feels like everyone else is moving at a different speed, full of joy, music, laughter, lights… and you feel you are watching it through a frosted window. You see it, you want to experience the moments. You want the images and sounds to touch you too, but it feels so fake, blurry, and distant.
As you push through to enjoy a celebration with a plastered smile and determination to be present in the moment, you leave feeling exhausted and almost angry. Angry that life is moving on without that person.
How can everyone just keep going like everything is normal - when it’s not- when it never will be again?!?!
A few years ago, I (Leia) lost my best friend a few months before Christmas. She lived out of state and we'd not spent a holiday together in years... so too many it seemed weird for me to “mourn her at Christmas”… but I wasn’t mourning her "at Christmas" - I was still mourning “her”. I just missed our friendship.
I grieved for her son and her husband who were left to pick up the pieces. I was angry at cancer. I was angry God didn't heal her as I wanted. Why wasn't she healed? In addition, I was dealing with a lot of anger and hurt about her choice not to tell me what was really going on. Needless to say, I was a mess- BUT I had two young girls and an amazing husband at home and wanted to experience the holidays with them.
As I struggled through that season- there are a few things I learned. I hope they help!
It’s okay to be sad and to express that feeling. Those around you want to know what is going on so they can help you. Getting through grief takes time, but it also requires us to communicate. The good news is talking about your loss helps, the bad news you have to talk about those losses. Through these conversations, you are able to remember, share, find a strategy that might help, or just cry with someone that loves you!
Sharing with my husband what I was feeling helped so much! John said, “Why don’t you send some gifts to her son (our godson)?” That conversation led to a kind of healing and restoration that brought closure and peace to my heart regarding my ongoing relationship with her son. I met him soon to be a mom and we began a friendship that led to writing a book together!
Being present in a moment of celebration does not dishonor your loved one! I had this strange mindset that if I moved on I would lose the important place she had in my life. Almost like her memory and her influence would slip away. Or that somehow being happy at the moment, meant I’d not shown enough love and honor to her memory. I know it’s weird- like I thought I needed to wear black and cry for 6 months to pay proper respect… Goodness! None of our loved ones would want that! It’s okay to enjoy bits of current life and still be mourning!
Grief reminds us there is joy in the loss. Joy isn't happiness, it’s a deeper feeling. Joy can be co-mingled with grief. It’s in those moments we are reminded so deeply of that relationship or those lessons learned that we can find immense gratitude for what was and what we will always carry with us.
Doing something special to honor them feels good! Make a donation to something they cared about or add an ornament to your tree to honor them. Doing something for their family - even if it’s been months - send a meal or flowers. Sharing those feelings and conversations with others that cared for them helps everyone heal, remember, and feel connected. For me, I was terrified that my sweet relationship with her son would end because it might be weird for her husband, or someday his new wife. My husband’s idea to reach out allowed me to begin the process of finding a new way of being connected.
Write it out! Sometime late November, I wrote a letter to my friend. It was harsh at first expressing all my anger and frustration, then it was so sweet and thankful for the things we had shared, then it was sorrowful about all the things we had said we’d do together and never had, and then it was hopeful as my heart began to calm and set sight on eternity. As I wrote it, things began to make sense more than they had. I could process thoughts and file them into the categories of emotions that were flooding my brain everyday. I added to the letter for a whole month I’m sure- and then one day it was done.
Another idea is to write out a letter each year on the anniversary of their death. Let them know what has happened, what you are missing, and how you made it through.
Remember the old and Create new: It’s important to keep traditions - they can help us feel connected to those that we’ve lost, they can bring back laughter and fond memories! It’s also important to create new memories with those that are with you right now. Don’t miss the now while you grieve yesterday. New traditions can create new joy and become the memories you’ll treasure in a decade.
Also, for those who might be going through a loss this year, know it’s ok to break tradition for the first year. Sometimes keeping things the same can feel overwhelming during the holidays and put more pressure on. For some it’s reassuring. Just know you have permission to do something different and with the time you can bring back some of those past traditions.
Focus Forward: The moment I put my focus on those kids - mine and hers… there were a hope and determination to pull out of my own issues and focus forward. The responsibility and desire to make their lives rich with the love, laughter, joy, prayers, spiritual truth, and discipline that I’d experienced with my friend- pushed me to look beyond myself and be called to action/movement.
While the pain of loss never goes away, the sting of that loss will lessen over time. You will never be able to fill that void of a loved one, but you can find hope in the midst of loss. Focusing on those things that are important helps give you a renewed sense of hope.
Grief has been described as ocean waves. Sometimes those waves are like a gentle tide bringing you sweet reminders of that loved one, and other times it’s like a crashing monsoon of emotion, where all you can do is cry.
There is no right way to get through grief. Remember gut-wrenching sobs are okay, so is silence and so is laughter and joy!
Take it day by day, focus forward with daily action choices. You’ll always miss them. I teared up 2-3 times just writing this blog! Loving someone means that you will hurt when they are gone… but I wouldn’t trade that love for the world.
Leia Hardimon and Clayr Simnacher
Director of Communications and Founder
**Professional counselors are a good resource if you feel like you need help processing loss. Grief can sometimes cause clinical depression and an inability to complete daily tasks. **