Creating a Sanctuary Home
You run in drop a bag, pick up a bag, shout some orders to the oldest kid, grab a water from the frig, check the crock pot and realize you forgot to turn it on, the phone rings and you grab the call while shuffling kids out the door for soccer.
Bags, homework, projects, and files are scattered across the kitchen counter, three loads of laundry are piled on the couch waiting to be folded, dishes are piled by the sink, and shoes are kicked off in random places throughout the house. You have 30 minutes before you need to go to bed... what gets done?- or does it all just wait until tomorrow?
A radio is blasting from a child's room, the TV is blaring some political story, the kids are wrestling and shouting, You've read the same paragraph in your book 3 times because you can't focus.
The world is busy, loud, obnoxious and sucks the energy right out of us everyday! We need to reclaim our homes as places of rest and renewal. A place where we can feel peace and joy while we ESCAPE from the worries of the world for a while. There are going to be moments of chaos in your home- so don't let me mislead you into thinking this will create a five star spa environment in your home... BUT there are things we can do to establish that feeling of comfort and peace.
The feeling that we are striving for comes from intentional steps we must implement on a daily basis.
Boundaries: Work emails, phone calls and projects need to have boundaries. Even if you are working from home, these things need to have limits. Maybe it's no calls from 5-8pm while I focus on the kids. A lot of it is about time management and making lines that you don't compromise. It's hard, because we want to keep checking things off our lists and keep pushing ahead. Many of us LOVE what we do so it's really hard to turn off our work brain and shift into family mode. The burden to provide for our family doesn't mean working 24/7 and we have to work to set boundaries
Environment: Creating habits and making household expectations can help keep clutter and piles minimized. Making a "place" for certain things can keep you organized and less clutter provides a feeling of peace. Create relaxing spots in your home that have a cozy blanket and fun book to flip through- even an old photo album can start great conversations and draw family to these spaces. Light a candle when you serve dinner, it takes no time, but makes your kids feel like it's such a special event! Keep the volume down a bit or set times that the house is quiet. Sometimes, turn on relaxing music that you'd use when you entertain- for NO REASON! Model healthy down time, that doesn't involve a screen, for your kids!
Delegate: Have kids take responsibility for household chores. Even if they are busy they can pitch in and unload the dishwasher or carry laundry to their rooms. My family knows I can't relax until the dishes are done- it's just a mental thing... So they help out by fully rinsing all dishes all day - so there are no gross surprises when I go to load the dishwasher at the end of the day. Make chores fun! A dancing clothes folding party can get the job done while spending some fun time with your kids!
Set Rules: Create some ground rules for how your home runs! In our house we will not shout at one another. We will not say certain words and we will resolve issues before we go to bed. Things happen and we mess up, but we never say things like, "i'm leaving", "I wish you'd never been born", "I hate you"... some things are just off limits. We can disagree but we respect and are fair as we work through things. Have the family work together to create this list- then everyone will buy into the plan even more!
When my family walks in the door I want them to feel safe, I want the weight of the world to fall off of them and for their laughter, joy and true personality to shine. I want them to enjoy being in our home because it reminds them of love and security.
Someday when they are grown and move out- I want them to miss our home for two reasons: 1. they will visit more often and 2. they will strive to make their home a sanctuary!
Leia Hardimon
Director of Communication for Work.Mom.Repeat.
As you push through to enjoy a celebration with a plastered smile and determination to be present in the moment, you leave feeling exhausted and almost angry. Angry that life is moving on without that person.
How can everyone just keep going like everything is normal - when it’s not- when it never will be again?!?!
A few years ago, I (Leia) lost my best friend a few months before Christmas. She lived out of state and we'd not spent a holiday together in years... so to many it seemed weird for me to “mourn her at Christmas”… but I wasn’t mourning her "at Christmas" - I was still mourning “her”. I just missed our friendship.
I grieved for for her son and her husband who were left to pick up the pieces. I was angry at cancer. I was angry God didn't heal her like I wanted. Why wasn't she healed? In addition, I was dealing with a lot of anger and hurt about her choice not to tell me what was really going on. Needless to say, I was a mess- BUT I had two young girls and an amazing husband at home and wanted to experience the holidays with them.
As I struggled through that season- there are a few things I learned. I hope they help!
It’s okay to be sad and to express that feeling. Those around you want to know what is going on so they can help you. Getting through grief takes time, but it also requires us to communicate. The good news is talking about your loss helps, the bad news you have to talk about those losses. Through these conversations, you are able to remember, share, find a strategy that might help, or just cry with someone that loves you!
Sharing with my husband what I was feeling helped so much! John said, “Why don’t you send some gifts to her son (our godson)?” That conversation led to a kind of healing and restoration that brought closure and peace to my heart regarding my ongoing relationship with her son. I met his soon to be mom and we began a friendship that led to writing a book together!
Being present in a moment of celebration does not dishonor your loved one! I had this strange mindset that if I moved on I would lose the important place she had in my life. Almost like her memory and her influence would slip away. Or that somehow being happy in the moment, meant I’d not shown enough love and honor to her memory. I know it’s weird- like I thought I needed to wear black and cry for 6 months to pay proper respect… Goodness! None of our loved ones would want that! It’s okay to enjoy bits of current life and still be mourning!
Grief reminds us there is joy in the loss. Joy isn't happiness, its a deeper feeling. Joy can be co-mingled with grief. Its in those moments we are reminded so deeply of that relationship or those lessons learned that we can find immense gratitude for what was and what we will always carry with us.
Doing something special to honor them feels good! Make a donation to something they cared about or add an ornament to your tree to honor them. Doing something for their family - even if it’s been months - send a meal or flowers. Sharing those feelings and conversations with others that cared for them helps everyone heal, remember and feel connected. For me, I was terrified that my sweet relationship with her son would end because it might be weird for her husband, or someday his new wife. My husband’s idea to reach out allowed me to begin the process of finding a new way of being connected.
Write it out! Sometime late November, I wrote a letter to my friend. It was harsh at first expressing all my anger and frustration, then it was so sweet and thankful for the things we had shared, then it was sorrowful about all the things we had said we’d do together and never had, and then it was hopeful as my heart began to calm and set sight on eternity. As I wrote it, things began to make sense more than they had. I could process thoughts and file them into the categories of emotions that were flooding my brain everyday. I added to the letter for a whole month I’m sure- and then one day it was done.
Another idea is to write out a letter each year on the anniversary of their death. Let them know what has happened, what you are missing, and how you made it through.
Remember the old and Create new: It’s important to keep traditions - they can help us feel connected to those that we’ve lost, they can bring back laughter and fond memories! It’s also important to create new memories with those that are with you right now. Don’t miss the now while you grieve yesterday. New traditions can create new joy and become the memories you’ll treasure in a decade.
Also, for those who might be going through a loss this year, know its ok to break tradition for the first year. Sometimes keeping things the same can feel overwhelming during the holidays and put more pressure on. For some its reassuring. Just know you have permission to do something different and with time you can bring back some of those past traditions.
Focus Forward: The moment I put my focus on those kids - mine and hers… there was a hope and determination to pull out of my own issues and focus forward. The responsibility and desire to make their lives rich with the love, laughter, joy, prayers, spiritual truth and discipline that I’d experienced with my friend- pushed me to look beyond myself and be called to action/movement.
While the pain of loss never goes away, the sting of that loss will lessen over time. You will never be able to fill that void of a loved one, but you can find hope in the midst of loss. Focusing on those things that are important helps give you a renewed sense of hope.
Grief has been described as ocean waves. Sometimes those waves are like a gentle tide bringing you sweet reminders of that loved one, and other times its like a crashing monsoon of emotion, where all you can do is cry.
There is no right way to get through grief. Remember gut wrenching sobs are okay, so is silence and so is laughter and joy!
Take it day by day, focus forward with daily action choices. You’ll always miss them. I teared up 2-3 times just writing this blog! Loving someone means that you will hurt when they are gone… but I wouldn’t trade that love for the world.
Leia Hardimon and Clayr Simnacher
Director of Communications and Founder
**Professional counselors are a good resource if you feel like you need help processing loss. Grief can sometimes cause clinical depression and an inability to complete daily tasks. **