How to handle arguments with your child more effectively? (Rolling eyes here!)

Don’t make it about you!! (Even if it is !!!)  

Identify and verbally reflect the feelings that you think that your kids are feeling during the  argument. Ex “I can see you are angry”, I can see you are disappointed”  

This not only helps our kids feel heard (which is extremely effective) but also helps them  increase their awareness of their feelings and behaviors at the moment of the argument. This  also helps us focus on their needs instead of on how their behaviors and feelings are affecting  us which as a result will make us feel less aggravated and therefore more in control of ourselves.  

Do not engage!..................But do!  

Do not engage with you kids in negative behaviors such as yelling or hitting BUT acknowledge  their feelings. We can empathize with negative feelings without having to condone negative  behaviors. The issues in an argument are never about the feelings but always about the ways  chosen to behave when feeling in a certain way. Engage with the negative feelings not with the  negative behaviors.  

Be curious!!!  

When your kids behave inappropriately, try not to judge the behaviors right away. Instead try  to understand why this is the behavior chosen: Has it been effective before? Does he know  better? Is this what you modeled without being aware?  

Get curious before getting judgmental or offended (that works for everything by the  way)  

Own it…...!  

Own your feelings by avoiding statements such as “You are making me feel ……”. Nobody makes  us feel anything unless we let them. We can have triggers but the feelings we feel are on us.  When we do this, we model responsibility over our feelings and teach our kids not to blame  anyone for them. We are modeling autonomy, freedom, and self-reliance. 

Make it back!  

Always reconnect with your child after an argument. The best way to reconnect after an  argument is to accept and share our vulnerability (I know, its scary). Share your feelings and  share your faults. You can acknowledge your faults and still hold authority as a parent. Empathy  takes care of the emotional part of a conflict that behavior consequences cannot.  

And last but not least!!!!!  

We are not at the same level of emotional, intellectual or moral development with our children  (Even though they seem pretty smart sometimes lol). Avoid getting in a power struggle  by conditioning your responses to theirs in an argument. We are the adults, we chose to have  them, children do not owe us anything. We must be the better person, we must work on  knowing better, we can never give up on them, we can never stop believing and trusting that  your child is good and can do better (And yes, this sounds very absolute). We cannot lose  faith in them almost as we would not lose faith in God when things do not go as expected in our  life

Ingrid is a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor in the State of Texas. She works with adolescents, adults, families and couples.

Thank you so much Ingrid for writing for us this week! We are so fortunate to have your expertise and wisdom shared with our group!