Effective Communication in Marriage
Many times couples assume that if there’s fighting there is trouble. That if you argue with your spouse it must be a sign something is wrong when in fact it’s a sign of a perfectly normal relationship. Albeit as long as there is no abuse happening. The presence of conflict does not indicate trouble. Conflict is inevitable and can even be a healthy part of a relationship. Its how we deal with conflict that can be problematic
Research has shown there are positive and negative communication styles. It’s imperative we know how to fight fairly in our relationships. However, in order to do that, you have to be able to spot toxic communication styles. John Gottman a good renowned marriage researcher calls these the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse. These include the presence of criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt in your relationship. While they aren’t healthy, Gottman explains this does not mean your relationship is doomed to fail if they are present. However, in his research, he has found that if contempt is present there is an increased likelihood for divorce.
So, let’s take a quick look at each and the antidote for it! (All of this information can be found at The Gottman Institute www.gottman.com)
The first is Criticism:
Criticism is different from offering a critique or a complaint. Criticism is seen as an attack on your partner’s character, basically who they are as a person. An example could be saying something like “Why can’t you remember to take out the trash, why are you so lazy?”
Many times criticism starts with “you always ______” and fill in the blank! Criticism oftentimes leads to other negative communication styles like defensiveness or stonewalling.
So, what is the antidote? Start by using “I statements” or what Gottman calls a ‘gentle start-up.’ For example: “I feel frustrated when you don’t take out the trash, it makes me feel like you don’t care.” This isn’t an attack it’s giving your partner a chance to understand how you feel without putting them on the defensive.
The second is Defensiveness:
Defensiveness is usually a response to criticism. We have all been there, when you feel like you are being unfairly blamed for something, you automatically get defensive. It’s just a form of self-protection, but it can be dangerous in relationships because it ultimately pits the two people against each other.
Many times defensiveness starts with a personal trigger. An example might be: when your partner asks about dinner plans and you respond with “You know I have been busy today, why am I always the one to make the plans. I have to do everything around here.”
So, what’s the antidote? Start by taking responsibility. Take responsibility early on and set expectations. An example: “Sweetheart, this week will be busy and I won’t be able to focus on a menu for dinner. I will need help or we will need to rethink our schedule.” This would go off so much better than “why am I the only one to do everything” and playing the victim.
The third is Contempt:
Contempt is one of the worst things in a relationship. It’s the idea of attacking someone’s sense of self with the intent to hurt, abuse, or insult. This can be seen as sarcasm, cynical/snarky statements, name-calling, mimicking our partner, or things like eye-rolling. It used to make the other person feel worthless. This goes beyond criticism and is highly correlated to divorce. An example: “looks like I’m raising another kid, could you be any more worthless or pathetic?”
So, what’s the antidote? Start by building a culture of appreciation. It’s the idea of appreciating the small things daily. Regular appreciation and gratitude build a positive relationship based on mutual respect – another way to remember this is for every 1 negative you need 5 positives. (It’s the 5:1 ratio.) Negativity and gratitude cant co-exist.
The fourth is Stonewalling:
Stonewalling typically happens in a response to contempt. It’s when you withdraw from conflict and discussion altogether. It’s when one or both partners shuts down. It can be dangerous because it can lead to apathy. An example: physically turning away from your spouse, acting busy, or engaging in distracting behaviors.
So, what’s the antidote? Start by removing yourself from the argument and use self-soothing techniques to calm yourself and refocus on how to solve the conflict. What do I mean by this? Basically, call a time out! Take 15-20 minutes where you step away from the conversation let your heart rate slow down, calm yourself listen to music, exercise, just anything that can help you calm down. Then return to the conversation when you feel ready. The most important thing to remember is to stay engaged with your spouse. There will be times when things get difficult, but there is always hope.
Lastly, do not hesitate to reach out and get professional help. Licensed counselors are equipped to help you work through relationship obstacles.
Clayr Simnacher