How to Prioritize Your Relationship Going Into the Holidays.
Pandemic. Elections. Holidays. OH MY. 2020 has handed us so many challenges and stressors, if your marriage has been a little disconnected or thrown off its the normal course, you’re not alone. Now that we are headed into the holiday season and foresee even more stress with kids being out of school, navigating extended family dynamics, and balancing all the other normal responsibilities on your plate, prioritizing your relationship is a MUST. Here are some practical ways for you and your partner to stay connected through the end of the year and start 2021 off on the right foot!
Make Time For Yourself. Wait…what? Yes! You read that right. If you are hanging on by a thread, guess what, you’re not going to have time or energy to invest back into your relationship. Do an inventory of what you are needing and then pair up with your partner to figure out how to get those needs met. If you are craving some alone time from the kids, connection with friends, or maybe your physical body needs to get on track with some workouts and a massage, listen to those needs and make it a priority to take care of yourself. Being realistic with what alone time looks like is really important. A weekend getaway may not be in the cards, but if 2 kid-free hours on a Saturday morning is what your partner can give you, try to find gratitude for those 2 hours and make the most of it!
Increase Non-Sexual Intimacy. Making time for non-sexual intimacy is one of the best ways to increase connection and closeness with your partner. What does this practically look like in a time when everyone is stressed? It is picking one night of the week where you both agree that there are no phones/ipads/video games/any electronics after the kids go to bed so you can really tune into each other. It is doing a chore or errand that you know your partner hates without being asked. It is leaving little love notes that make them feel appreciated and thought of. It can also be making sure your partner has some alone time even if that means taking a little more on yourself for one day.
Focus on Connected Communication. The quality of communication within a marriage tends to decrease as stress increases. Focusing on being present and connected when communicating with your partner can decrease resentment and the general feeling of not “being heard” by one another. We love the Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) tool L.O.V.E. for healthy communication:
L. Listen- Listen to the words, feelings, body language, and facial expressions while your partner is talking. Make sure to listen without interrupting.
O. Openness- In order to be open while our partner is talking to us, focus on putting aside judgments, past experiences, and preconceptions about your partner and the relationship. Staying open means you can learn something new about your partner and can take in new information from them.
V. Validate- Slowing down during conversation means you’re pausing those knee jerk reactions such as defending yourself. Acknowledge what your partner has said to you with respect and intention.
E. Express- Express important feelings, values, and thoughts to your partner. Open up about the deeper experiences, if it feels safe, to strengthen your connection and give your partner the opportunity to truly know what you’re experiencing.
Next time your partner approaches you to talk about something important to them, try using parts or all of the L.O.V.E tool and see what changes!
Schedule Quality Time Together. It’s okay if spontaneity has gone out the door this year. Though scheduling time together (and yes, this includes time for sex) isn’t typically synonymous with sexy, it could be just what your relationship needs. Having time for one another on the calendar, in between soccer practices, play dates, and work meetings, takes the pressure off of both of you to create time out of thin air and you know that, no matter what the week has looked like up to that point, time with each other WILL happen. At a minimum, we recommend some semblance of a date night to happen every other week though research has shown weekly date nights are best for healthy relationships. Unsure of what date nights can be if you live in an area where restaurants and movie theaters aren’t open or if you don’t have access to childcare? Here are some of our favorite 2020 date night ideas:
Dress up like you’re going to a fancy restaurant and have your favorite food delivered. Set up space in your home or backyard that is different than your normal eating area. Think of a small table with candles, stemmed wine glasses, and full dining set up.
Pick a new park or drive to a beautiful location and set up a picnic.
Do a painting night from your home. Buy canvases, paint, and brushes and find a painting you’d like to recreate online. YouTube has some fun follow along with tutorials as well
Set up your own wine tasting date from the kitchen
Tune into a Livestream dance club or IG live and dance it out together in the living room
Create a spa night/day at home! Snag some face masks, aromatherapy, and draw a bubble bath for two!
Wishing you a happy, healthy, and connected holiday with your partner!
Wishing you happy, healthy and connected holiday with your partner!
Stacey Sherrell, LMFT
Co-Founder of Decoding Couples
Find us on Instagram for daily relationship tips @decoding_couples
