Discipline: What is it?
Discipline is a vital part of parenting, and it’s probably one of the hardest parts.
On the most fundamental level discipline means to teach. We as parents are expected and responsible to teach our children to appropriate social behaviors, coping skills, decision-making skills, and provide direction. By doing so, we help them learn to get along with others, accept responsibility for their actions, and assist them in making wise choices. So, when you break it down, discipline is really just teaching your child right from wrong, how to cope with emotionally stressful situations, and how to get along with others. Let’s not overcomplicate it!
In order to be an effective teacher, we must build a relationship. Josh McDowell says it best, “Rules without Relationship leads to Rebellion.” On the most basic level, in order to help our children, learn, we must build a trusting relationship. This doesn’t guarantee a child won’t go their own way, but it does give them a safe place to fail. The key to being a good teacher is investing in those relationships! Just think about it, you wouldn’t take correction from a stranger, you might even feel a little defensive. Well, the same goes for your kid!
So how can you invest in your children and start building a solid relationship?
Prioritize your time with your children. I can't tell you how many times parents come into my counseling office, drop off their kids, and say “fix them.” When I ask about fun activities or family traditions or even just how much time they spend with their kids, they look at me with a blank stare. Parents – You MUST Spend Time with your Kids.
This does NOT mean being in the same house at the same time in separate rooms on our phones. What it does look like, is setting aside time for family meals, for enjoying an activity together, preferably one your child picks, it means asking about their day and friendships, it means turning off the tv and setting down the phone. Kids know when they are a priority. Trust me, as a counselor, I hear a lot of “well my parents don’t really care” they prefer to go to dinner with their friends,” or “work is more important than me.” Time shows value! Remember, what you spend your time doing shows the world what you put importance on!
Set boundaries. Many parents don’t associate boundaries with building relationships or trust, but it’s an integral part of it. Children need and crave structure. Setting up rules and boundaries in the home tells your child “I love you too much to allow you to do x.” As children get older, it’s a good idea to start getting them involved in setting up rules and consequences. By doing so, you are showing them you trust them, you value their input, and you are modeling good skills for their future development. (if you would like more info on how to involve your children in your home rules, see post on Engaging Your Children in Rule Setting)
Put Love into action. Show you care on a daily basis. Give hugs before leaving for work or school, put notes in a lunch box or a binder to let them know they are important and thought about during the day. Ask them to help you with chores or projects. Find time for special dinners or activities (for more ideas visit our resource page for Mason Jar Activity and Blog post)
Remember, discipline won’t be effective without a solid relationship. Relationships are key to change and influence! If you want to teach your child and help them be the best version of themselves, start by building trust and a healthy relationship with your children.
Clayr Simnacher LPC-S
President and Founder of Work Mom Repeat